10 Spurious Rumours

In the spirit of the McCarthy-esque witch hunt that is pervading baseball at the moment I thought I’d enter some other totally spurious and unproven accusations into the world. I wonder if any will be picked up and carried forth like the Bonds one or if people will just keep flogging the dead horse?

10 Roger Clemens is a devil worshipper and made a Faustian pact in 1997 to resurrect his career and on those days when he can’t be bothered to go to the game its nothing to do with spending time with the family but about affording himself the opportunity to gorge on human flesh.

9 Robinson Cano is the resurrection of Charlie Chaplin and his antics in the field are just his way of proving to everyone that he can still kick his hat away in the same comedic fashion as he did in the early days of cinema.

8 Tony Womack’s eyebrows aren’t real eyebrows but prosthetics designed to hide the scars from when aliens abducted him and removed his hitting gene. The only reason he hasn’t mentioned it before is because the aliens said they would return John Rocker if he did.

7 The real reason Billy Beane doesn’t want his A’s to steal bases is because he fears that too much running will wear down their shoes and he doesn’t want to have to be burdened with additional expenses for new footwear as its tough enough for mid-market teams to survive in the present fiscal make-up of the modern game.

6 Bud Selig wishes he was an Oscar Meyer Weiner. That is what he’d truly love to be.

5 The reason Cincinnati went from turf to grass is because they needed something to wrap Marge Schott in when they dumped her in the river (that might be in poor taste but she was a racist bigot).

4 Alex Rodriguez is a robot and if you open up his head you will find that he is powered by two hamsters working in tandem on a wheel. Scientists are working round the clock to find a more efficient power source in hopes that they can find the energy to power the personality sub-routines but as of yet no progress has been made as of yet.

3 The reason Hank Blalock is so slow is because he is weighed down with rubble that he must gradually disperse in the field. The rubble is from a tunnel that he is digging to Kansas City in a hope that he can rescue some of those poor guys from that horrible asylum. Other members of this movement include Sean Casey, Frank Thomas and Mike Piazza.

2 Pedro Martinez runs an underground network of male only clubs where men bond through the act of bare knuckle fighting and antiestablishment vigilantism but the first rule is he can’t talk about it.

1 Pete Rose didn’t do anything wrong …actually that last one is just too silly. I mean, who will believe that?


If you've got any rumours you'd like to start let us know. We'll always find space for them here.